Full circle
by AAB
Summary: It's the Fourth of July but Mac is not in the mood to celebrate


**Full circle**

_4th of July  
Park in Washington  
_It wasn't the weather for it was warm, sunny and thanks to a slight breeze not too hot.  
It wasn't the company. They were all friends and co-workers gathered around her.  
It wasn't the activity for that was cheerful chatting and playing all kinds of games.  
It wasn't the food for it was plenty and tasty and a barbecue was waiting to be lit.  
Why was she feeling so sad and disconnected?  
Sitting on a blanket and watching her co-workers play baseball Mac couldn't understand her down mood. After all it was a beautiful day and what could be nicer than celebrating the Fourth of July amongst friends? They had gathered just after lunch for an afternoon of catching up, playing games, a barbecue and watching the fireworks. An all American fourth of July-celebration. What could possible be wrong?

A few yards away her partner Harm looked at her and heaved a sigh. He hated to see her so down. She hadn't joined in the games, in fact, even her favourite baseball hadn't appealed to her. It had taken much persuasive power to lure her in and she had sneaked out as soon as possible.  
He sighed again. It hadn't helped that their new co-worker Carol tripped just in front of him. He had to catch her, to prevent her from a nasty fall. She had looked at him with her big blue eyes and had given him a sweet smile. He knew she wouldn't say no if he … But he didn't. Didn't want to. The only one he wanted was sitting a few yards away, feeling miserable. And he didn't know how to get through to her.

In the meantime Mac had shifted her attention to her other side. There was Harriet tucking in little AJ. The now nine months old boy was exhausted from the fun and had fallen asleep as soon as his mother laid him down on the blanket. Mac bit her lip. She envied Harriet, more than she was prepared to admit to herself. Because of her son, the man who loved her, the family they had. Not that she had, or ever had had, feelings for Bud but the fact Harriet had a husband who loved and worshipped her. She was too well aware which man she wanted … and the fact it probably never was going to happen.

About 45 minutes later the Admiral indicated the first pieces of meat were done. People scrambled to their feet and formed a line, each holding a plate. Next to a variety of hamburgers, sausages and chicken legs there were plenty of salads, bread and side dishes to choose from. Despite her down mood Mac enjoyed this part of the festivities. She sat with a few of the younger officers and they exchanges stories about legal gaffes and bloopers.  
But her improved mood didn't last. By the time twilight had set and it was time to watch the fireworks her gloomy thoughts had come back with a vengeance. She felt so lonely. A shiver ran down her spine. The breeze picked up and it started to become a bit chilly but she didn't move. What sense did it make? She didn't know whether the chill came for the wind or from inside. Suddenly there was warmth. Two hands slipped a blanket around her shoulder, attentively tucking it in at her sides. Harm! His hands lingered a few seconds on her arms, waiting. But she sat stiffly, straight up.  
It would be so easy to lean back.  
So easy to let him hold her, even for a few short moments.  
So easy to let herself dream.  
Too easy. She knew the cold would come again and would be worse than before. She didn't mean anything to him. Well, not more than his other co-workers. He was just as nice to everyone else. She had seen him catch Carol. The smile she gave him. She didn't turn around, she didn't let go. After a few more moments the hands were gone.

The fireworks had ended and people started to rise and gather their belongings. Harm looked around to find Mac. She was riding with him and he hoped to be able to find out why she had been so sad.  
In the car, under the cover of darkness he made several attempts to get the conversation started but Mac was not cooperating. In fact, except for some monosyllabic answers she wasn't responding at all.  
They reached her apartment. Although it was clear Mac wanted to get rid of him as soon as possible Harm was not having it. Despite her protests he left the car, locked it and followed her inside.  
When he had closed the door of her apartment behind him he turned towards her "Mac …"  
She shook her head warily, too tired and dispirited to pick a fight. "Harm, please, just leave it."  
"I can't. I just can't bare seeing you so down. I love you too much."  
The moment the words left his mouth he froze, wanting to put his foot, if possible both feet in his mouth.  
Mac couldn't believe her ears. The only thing she could do was stare at him in complete shock. He could not have said that, could he? But at the same time she wished with al her heart he had. Finally she whispered "Do you mean it?"  
By now Harm had recovered enough to answer her without hesitation "Yes, I do. I love you."  
With a sound, a mixture between a sob and a sigh, she stepped into his waiting arms and rested her head against his chest, her arms around his waist. And he held her, as long as she needed, as long as they both needed.

_A year later  
4th of July  
Park in Washington  
_The scenery was the same.  
The people were.  
The games were.  
Even the weather was.  
Again Mac was sitting on a blanket in one of Washington's parks, watching a game of baseball. But now she wasn't sad. In fact, she was gut down happy. Her thoughts wandered back to the previous Fourth of July

_Flashback  
_He didn't stay that night. Nor did he the following weeks, for that matter. They had talked a lot though during those weeks. About things that had happened. About hopes and dreams and fears. Both having baggage they felt it would be good to get rid of as much as possible before taking the next step.  
It had been six weeks before they made love. It had been all she had expected and then some. They had been in their own bubble of happiness.  
_End of flashback  
_

A soft whimper got her attention. Next to her in the shadow of a large tree, in his little bassinette was a baby. _Her_ baby. _Their _baby. Not planned but very, very welcome. With a tender smile Mac bent over and tucked the little blanket in a bit more.  
It had been the first time they made love. Of course they had used protection. After all, they both were responsible people. Yes, they wanted children but not that soon. Fate decided otherwise, though. After a few weeks she had been feeling a bit queasy. It had taken some days to realize it wasn't a stomach bug. A pregnancy test had given the decisive answer: she was pregnant. A few more tests had confirmed it. By then Harm had been away for an investigation and she didn't want to tell him through the phone. It had been three days, three long days before he was back. By then she was a nervous wreck. Little did she know he was too.

_Flashback  
_She was pacing the room. Like caged animal, to and fro, to and fro. Did he really have to be late? She checked her internal clock and was surprised to learn it was only 16.15. He couldn't be there yet. At the earliest he would be home at 18.00. Again she looked at the couch but she knew she was too jittery to sit down. In the bathroom she let cold water pour over her wrists. She decided to start cooking. Normally he did but now it would give her hands something to do.  
In the kitchen she mixed a can of cream of mushroom soup with water and dry onion soup mix. She sliced some extra mushrooms and mixed them with a cup of rice. She put them in an oven dish, poured the soup over them and gave a quick stir. Then she placed two chicken breasts on the rice mixture and topped if off with a sprinkle of freshly ground black pepper. When the dish was in the oven, she cut some vegetables to make a salad.  
Then she set the alarm clock to remind herself to turn on the oven in time and started pacing again.

Luckily he wasn't late. At 17.50 she heard the key in the lock. Despite her resolution to be calm she launched herself into his arms as soon as he entered the door.  
"He," he laughed "it's not that I don't like the welcome but I haven't been away that long."  
But to his surprise and her embarrassment she burst out in tears. It had him on high alert right away. He scooped her up and sat with her on the couch, rocking her to and fro.  
"Sweetheart, what's wrong?"  
Mac forgot about the speech she prepared; all the careful chosen words were gone.  
"I'm pregnant," she blurted out.  
He pushed her back to see her face, in total shock.  
"You're pregnant? But we used …"  
"Yes, we did. But somehow Mother Nature decided to interfere."  
He shook his head. Slowly her words sank in and a smile spread out on his face.  
"So I'm going to be a daddy."  
"Yes."  
"I'm going to be a daddy!" He jumped up, Mac still in his arms and swung her around. "I'm going to be a daddy!"  
Suddenly he stopped again and looked her in the eyes. "Marry me!"  
Mac hesitated. It wasn't that she didn't want to marry him, she wanted that with whole her heart. She just didn't want him to ask her because of the baby. She wanted him to ask _her_.  
Harm waited with tension. Why didn't she say something?  
"Mac?" he whispered.  
She didn't answer. Slowly she shook her head.  
"I can't. You only ask because of the baby."  
Harm let out the breath he was holding. To Mac's surprise he even smiled. She was about to lash out - after all, proposing and then smiling when you are rejected was preposterous - when he let go of her and walked to his briefcase sitting next to the door. When he turned around again he had an envelope in his hand and some other small item she couldn't see properly. He gestured her to sit and annoyed Mac did as he bade.  
"On the way back I wrote you a letter."  
He handed her the envelop. Slowly she pulled out the letter.

_Sarah, my love,_

_I wanted to write a speech to propose to you. Yes, I lwant you to marry me. I know I tend to get clumsy and tongue tied and I don't want to ruin it by saying something stupid, so I decided to write a speech. But somehow it became a letter.  
I know it's only weeks since we started dating but in my heart you've been mine for a long time already. Longer than I remember, longer than I recognized and certainly longer than I wanted to admit. When we first met the Admiral warned us not to get too close. From his point of view he was right but it was too late. From the first moment I laid eyes on you is was a done deal. Even though as I said, it took me a long time.  
I love you. I love you more than I thought possible to love someone.  
Your beauty never ceases to awe me. When you show up in one of your beautiful dresses I have problems to focus on anything else than you. But I love you just the same when you're dressed in one of your cute pyjamas and fluffy slippers. I can look at you for hours and never grow tired of it.  
I admire the way you overcame your bad childhood. I know it still affects you and I want to be there for you, to wipe away the tears and love away the pain.  
I want to protect you even though you're a tough marine who tells me over and over she is a marine and doesn't need protection. I love your feistiness even in moments it drives me insane.  
You're such a good marine and lawyer. I admire your perception and skills when we are on a mission. I trust you with my life.  
I love the way you are with children. How you understand their needs and are always prepared to give them anything necessary. Your tenderness. You will be such a good mother one day and I can't wait for us to have our own children. I know we still have over four years before our deal gets effective but I do hope we can up the timetable.  
I love your sense of humour and the way you can set me straight with just one raise of a brow. I love the way your cute little tongue pokes out when you're focussing on ther file you're reading. I love the way you close your eyes savouring the first way too strong coffee in the morning. All those little things that make you uniquely you. I could see you in a crowd or a mile away and still recognise you.  
I love you so much.  
_

_Forever yours,  
Harm  
_

During reading Mac's eyes had filled with tears. It wasn't a spur of the moment decision. He really wanted to marry her. Like she had done only half an hour before she flew into his arms once more.  
"Yes, yes, I marry you."  
Harm held her close and hid his face in her hair for a moment before kissing her. Then he let go of her to take a step back and lower himself on one knee. In his hand was a small jeweller's box.  
"Sarah MacKenzie, will you do me the great honour of marrying me?"  
"Yes!"  
_End of flashback  
_

They had married only weeks later. The plan had been to marry in a small church nearby but Harm's Grandmother had been under the weather and the whole party had been moved to the farm where she lived. Not that it was a big party, only their closest friends and Harm's parents. The Admiral had led her through the makeshift aisle in the backyard. Late September and the trees just started to colour. The scenery couldn't have been more scenic. She would never forget the look on his face when he saw her walking towards him. Or the tears in his eyes when she said yes.  
May 17th their baby was born. A healthy baby boy, Peter Matthew, named after Harms grandfather and her uncle.  
Silently she sent thanks to heaven above. Life was good. Life was to be celebrated.

The end

To all Americans: Happy Fourth of July


End file.
